I have always been the most curious
(and chronically unsatisfied)
person I know.
I’ve tried to stop questioning everything. I know it would make my life easier, but I just can’t. It’s not in my DNA.
I’ve never accepted anything at face value. I’ve always had a little voice in the back of my head that said, “mmm… not quite…” even when most of what was being explained (or that I was experiencing) mostly made sense. I’ve always found the little the cracks in things; the nuances, the subtleties, the broken, systemic, founding beliefs that lead to midly skewed current beliefs.
Because of the way I see truth I’m equally likely to argue those who share my beliefs as I am those who don’t.
It’s caused me to question social mores, cultural norms, individual reactions, establishments of education and religion, governmental motives, corporate politics, the list goes on. And I know what you’re thinking… “he must be a staunch Conservative or a devout Liberal… and he’s seeking to find fault only in the side he doesn’t agree with.” But the reality is far more insidious… because of the way I see truth I’m equally likely to argue those who share my beliefs as I am those who don’t.
It’s made me equal parts inner circle dweller and frustrating outcast. And while it’s never been easy… I consider it a gift. What has become harder over the years, has been living quietly with 10,000 thoughts in my head and having nowhere to catalog them other than by sending emails to myself to preserve them for posterity.
Last year, I considered writing a book (and I may still) but I realized I write faster than I organize and a better format may be standalone and non-linear… so here’s the blog to prove it.
What do I write about and why?
Spirituality, God, Religion and million other “sources” of truth will likely be the most pervasive topics here because it is the thing I think mostly about these days.
In my life I’ve studied 1000s of things and I am treasure trove of useless knowledge, music trivia, pop culture references, science facts, experiences, specialties, technical know-how and a veritable plethora of other topics… but those were (are?) always the the expression of the deeper truths we all know/feel/believe/seek/desire.
It’s also important to note that like many American kids, I grew up in a fundamental Christian church and learned those particular values and theologies, assuming them to be the only truths out there (and also the basis for how I would live out my adult life.) Then as I grew up, I was confronted with a dualism that created some very exceptional cognitve dissonance. In church I was told X, but all my experience was showing me that NOT X… And when asked, the only answers (to paraphrase) were… they’re wrong, we’re right. (And I was kind of wrong for asking in the first place.) No logic offered. No reason presented. Just “have faith.” Which means… you guessed it… my Atheism was born, but so was my new search for “what else is out there.”
I spend the next 25 years buried in Psychology, Philosophy, Mythology, Neurology, Physics, Biology, Stoicism, Spirituality of all types (and of course, all the while seeking self-realization and satifaction through secular eyes which spoiler alert: it’s not there.)
After all that, I did finally fing what I’d been looking for… and it was in the Bible all along. I came to find out that just becuase the answers I was seeking weren’t in THAT church I grew up in, didn’t mean it wasn’t in ANY church out there.
All that being said…
When you search the four corners of the Earth for truth… you find it… or pieces of it, anyway. And it’s those nuggets of truth that lead you like Hansel & Gretel right to the witch’s house. And even though you evade the witch (not all do, sadly)… you can’t help but wonder why that candy was so tasty.
So now… as I come back to Christianity, I do so with wider eyes, a larger worldview and a little bit more perspective to add to the Christian conversation. Not perspectives that contradict the church teachings, but ones that include the worldviews I was told were “wrong” or had no value. So now I write for me mostly… but also hoping that someone out there who isn’t able to fully rectify their understanding of “the world” with “their world” hears that that wriggling thought they have in the back of their mind isn’t going to break them, it’s not that off, it’s not that farfetched, and it’s also… not quite that simple, either.
Happy reading. And never stop questioning.